if you’re going to leave, that’s fine.
and I know you promised you wouldn’t
seven months ago while I was crying
into your neck but I also know that
sometimes it rains even when it’s not
supposed to and sometimes boys
kiss girls they shouldn’t and we tear
flowers out of the ground just to watch
them die and things change,
so I understand if you’re done,
but please, when you’re packing all your
old sweaters and books, don’t forget
to take all your three AM phone calls,
and photographs where we’re smiling
so wide it looks like we’ve never known
that feeling in the pit of your stomach
when someone screams “I don’t love you
Take back every kiss, every night you
fell asleep next to me, every poem I
wrote you, every song you sang to
me, every “I love you more fight,”
every shock I felt in my skin when
you brushed against me.
I was never scared of ghosts until you
left but now I see you everywhere and
god if you’re going to kill me please
just do it quickly because I see you
in everything and it’s making it hard
I hope you know that I’m not just here for the way your bones feel against mine or the way you kiss me like this is the end of the world. I’m here to wake you when you start crying in your sleep and I’m here to clean up the blood when your breathing gets shallow. I’m here to hold you back when you try to jump and I’m here to hold your hand when I can’t stop you. and I love the way you say my name and the way you look when it’s cold out. I’m here for every bit of you. Even the messy bits. and that’s how it will always be. We fell in love two years ago when we were tired and it was raining hard on both of us but I would stand out in a storm forever if it meant I got to fall asleep next to you.
I love being horribly straightforward. I love sending reckless text messages (because how reckless can a form of digitized communication be?) and telling people I love them and telling people they are absolutely magical humans and I cannot believe they really exist. I love saying, “Kiss me harder,” and “You’re a good person,” and, “You brighten my day.” I live my life as straight-forward as possible.
Because one day, I might get hit by a bus.
Maybe it’s weird. Maybe it’s scary. Maybe it seems downright impossible to just be—to just let people know you want them, need them, feel like, in this very moment, you will die if you do not see them, hold them, touch them in some way whether its your feet on their thighs on the couch or your tongue in their mouth or your heart in their hands.
But there is nothing more beautiful than being desperate.
And there is nothing more risky than pretending not to care.
We are young and we are human and we are beautiful and we are not as in control as we think we are. We never know who needs us back. We never know the magic that can arise between ourselves and other humans.
We never know when the bus is coming.
I don’t know how we got here;
But I use my finger to write your name,
with the dust from my window-pane,
when I should be cleaning;
But these walls in my room won’t let me forget-
They saw everything-
They heard you every time you told me how much you cared-
I’m not fucking crazy, we were in love,
I was there.
You did everything you were supposed to do,
I had every reason to give myself to you-
If you didn’t want my heart,
why’d you ask for my body?
Now, what am I supposed to do with the parts of me that you left behind?
Your finger prints are all over my thighs;
I feel sick every time I remember the way your lips moved when you said the word “mine”-
I was never yours.
You held my hand & kissed me when I needed it-
But you didn’t mean it.
I’m starting to believe that you only loved me out of convenience.
If you knew you weren’t staying, why’d you take everything?